If I stop worrying about what others think all the time, will that make me less of a caring person? Can a person still care about others if they don’t really care about what they are thinking or feeling? I’d really like to know the answer to this. The past few weeks have been such a self revelation. Yes, I have been working my ass off (that reminds me I’ve got some math homework to do….) and I’m really proud of myself. I know that it will look really awesome on my resume someday to post that I’ve gotten good grades, even if they were at a community college. But I’d really like to voice my opinions in class, I’d really like to speak up and just be like those people I hate. Just once - not care what anyone else thought of me and just…be. I guess that’s how I could describe it. I want to dance and not care if people are watching. I want to walk in a store and not feel like people are thinking I’m fat. I want to just, argh! I don’t know how to put it. The one class I’d really like to speak up in is in my English Comp class. Ever since we turned in those “How am I doing?” survey’s - this Professor has just been awesome - a truly brilliant mind. If I could be half the teacher she is when I graduate I’d be ecstatic. Take that as you want.

But back to my question. If one could just let go of all their pretenses and just let the world move them…does that make them a bad person? Does it make them less intelligent? Or does it just make them a person who is secure in their own being? I have always hated those people that just go out to the bars to drink, have a good time and not worry what a fool they look like. Or those people who can just walk in a room and feel right at home. I want to be like that.

It’s not enough for me to succeed in my job and get good grades anymore…I want that to spill over into my personal life too. I want to learn and be able to express myself. I want to feel self-confident and let others know that I know what the hell I’m spewing about over the phone. I don’t want to second guess myself anymore. People know me as “sweet”, “innocent”, “childlike.” I want them to see me as an intelligent person, then as a nice person. Why is this so important to me? Perhaps if I give myself worth or validity for being who I think I am on the inside then I can let others see that. I spent so many years hiding on the inside because I thought if others saw the real me that they wouldn’t like me… and trust me, being liked its a major part of everyone’s lives.

I worked very hard to fly under everyone’s radar for so long - I want to know how on earth do I blast myself into the “oh my God. Look at me!” I don’t know but if it means having to start talking in class without raising my hand, or going out to bars just to introduce myself or volunteering at a Library just to get involved in my community I want to do it. If it means I have to buy a one person round trip plane ticket just to fly myself to a place I’ve never been just so I could say I went - I want it. There is so much world out there and I keep myself shut in, sheltered. I don’t let myself live and I’m sick of it. I want to excel in every single thing I put my mind to and damn it. I will.

Me, the girl who proclaims not to drink actually had a drink yesterday. Two actually (it was happy hour). I went out with a group of people from work and when I got there they kind of plopped the drink menu in my hand and looked at me expectantly. “This one is fruity, Jamie, you’ll like this one.” My co-workers know very well that I don’t drink or drink very often and only like fruity drinks and I wound up ordering a Calypso Cooler and it was pretty awesome. I know that I like rum (Malibu Rum) and this had Rum and Peach Schnapps in it, so I thought hey, it’s got to be good…and it was. I get super quiet when I drink and one of the girls leaned over and said “What, you talk a lot at work, and then when you get a drink in you, you shut up?!” We all had a good laugh over that one. It’s true, I am a motormouth, always have been.

Today I have to work on my fractions and I’ve finally just gotten pretty good at them (okay, do you know how hard it is to solve an equation that contains multiple fractions that are over fractions?! with variables?), I’ve got a test on that on Monday, I’ve also got to start doing my research for my comparison/contrast essay (I’m doing it on corporal punishment on children [i.e. spanking]) and this topic will be used for my persuasive essay. Personally, I feel that kids today get too much handed to them and parents are too afraid to deal with their children and just get walked all over. I feel that some children do not get the correction that they need and never learn that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (one of the laws of physics). I am not for beating a child - I just feel that sometimes parents need to grow a backbone. I don’t know how to encorporate this into my essay though, because I don’t want to come off as “Yes! You should hit your child, always!” and I don’t want to come off as wishy washy and not make my point.

Alright, so it’s nearly eleven o’clock and I’m wasting the day just sitting here typing on my blog and I’m hoping that I get through with all of my math homework and some basic research for my paper today so that later on I can try and finish this yarn I’m using so I can move on to the next color. A few of you may remember that I had made a beautiful carrot and mocha colored Afghan last year, but I had left it over at the apartment and I realized that I didn’t have my own Afghan, so I’m working on a new one. This one has what I call the Grandma stitch (you don’t yo, you just put your hook through the next loop and yo and pull through two, I learned this from my grandmother). It makes a very, very heavy blanket - so in order to lighten it, I am also incorporating a triple stictch - so overall this blanket will be medium weight.

Edit: Here’s a great tip for everyone so they don’t get embarassed like I did. Make sure you double check your sources to verify if they are correct. Don’t let a bad source make a bad you appear uneducated and misinformed.

This past week was both an incredible challenge and really busy. Like I wrote earlier in the week, I did miss half of NCIS because of the tape’s error. I wound up watching it (again) on CBS.com, which turned out to be okay because then I can let my bird out of his cage during that time so I can still supervise him. He enjoyed the outside time, and I enjoyed the hotness that is Mark Harmon and Michael Weatherly. Now, I have gotten some emails about how I am obsessed with this show, and I would like to point out that some are addicted to House, othes are addicted to Law and Order - NCIS is just my show of choice.

My English Comp class was incredibly stupid. The more I attend this class, the more I really dislike the Professor. I wish she would teach! Most of the stuff she talks about can be wrapped up in about 30 minutes, which is perfectly fine with me - but it takes her an hour to get to that topic because she is constantly talking back and forth with a student…as in cracking jokes, laughing etc. It’s like the other people in the class are not even there. After class I had showed her what I was working on for my descriptive essay. She said that it was strongly worded, but it was just the skeleton and I needed to explain how people get over-medicated, why they get over-medicated not in the direction I was going. I just could not wrap my head around that idea and could not twist the paper around to bring it to the angle that she wanted. I decided that I’ll use this idea as my argumentative/persuasive essay/research paper and as the debate at the end of the class. Instead I chose another topic which I was thoroughly able to explain, both it’s history and different aspects of things. I feel that this is a strong paper and am hoping my grade will reflect that.

I also got my math test results back and I’m disappointed. I only got a 95 on this test and I think I could have done better. That’s what I get for spending a little more time on the computer instead of working on my homework. That’s a bad sign, because it means that I’m comfortable just enough to slack off but still course on by the skin of my teeth. I have never (ever) had a 100 on my tests except on that first test and I know someone will comment that a 95 is still awesome but in all honesty, it’s really not. I could have done better and on this next chapter I’ll turn off my computer while I’m working on my homework so I will not be tempted. I seriously want to make the Deans list. And I think that by pushing myself to succeed it will only look that much better on my future resumé.

Yesterday was my twenty-fifth birthday. It was very low-key and I guess I’m at that point in my life where I’m like “who cares? I’ll have another one next year.” I wound up going out to the mall with my Sister and Brother-In-Law where we watched the stupidity of people and escalators. Seriously? A man on a walker went down the escalator, a woman holding a stroller (yes! seriously!) and a woman walking up the down escalator with a tiny baby in her arms. I got a new shirt from NY&Co and enjoyed a pretzel from Aunt Annies (yummy!) My Mother made her most hated meal for me (to prepare, not eat) - Stuffed Cabbage. It was so good! I was very tired because I couldn’t sleep the night before so I was very low-key, which was also okay.

Other than that, my week was hectic (with work) and it on a good note and right now I just feel like taking a nap.

So, I think it took me an entire day to figure out what the next topic I was going to use for my essay. I first started out with Emotional Abuse and really didn’t think I could put enough of an unbiased spin on it to actually complete it the way it should have been. Which leads me to the actual topic. “Under The Influence: The Over-Medicated Nation.” Ah HA, by golly, I think I’ve got it - heh. I’ve got to start working on that though. Can I really come up with four pages of Pharmaceutical rip-offs? Oh hell yes, I know I can! Trust me, if I could rub my hands together and give shifty eyes, I would. I swear, if I hear one more person tell me that they “lost” their narcotic, I just might land in the nut-house. This happened a lot at retail and we just sent them on their way, I don’t see as much of it on the insurance end of it, but seriously, people. Get serious, just fess up and tell me that you took more than you should.

I spent the majority of my evening doing my math homework and I think I just died a little inside. One of those questions was like, “If a falcon dives five times faster than a pheasant flies….” Turns out the equation was like 5x + x = 222 or something and we had to find out what the mph on the falcon and the pheasant were. Tomorrow I have to do the actual test (because that’s the only thing that’s graded), I’m not really looking forward to that, I’d really like to get to the mall!

It’s been so nice here lately - as evident by that photo. That was taken on the sidelight of my parents front door Thursday morning. I was wearing my Mutts pajama pants and my old “Just Ride” t-shirt and did not feel like going outside to take it.

And, in other news, I talked to a dog breeder the other night (the breed I am not saying for fear that some of those naysayers will slander me). I explained that I was not looking for a [dog] anytime in the near future, but was looking at sometime after I graduate from College. I explained (truthfully) about the situation with Keegan and said that the reason I was waiting to buy was to make sure I was financially stable enough. [They] replied that it sounded like I did what I could at the time and if anyone should be ashamed, it should be [X] and that when the time is right I would be more than welcome to [their breed]. Dude, I have waited for that moment since I was five. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this breed anywhere or to anyone, so it will come as a surprise to a select few. It is not a Greyhound nor a Labrador. I figured why spend the same amount of money and get my second (or third) choice? And yeah, I might be going on twenty-five, but you know what? I’m entitled to look for something to make me happy. Holy S—. Five years from now I’ll be Thirty. When the hell did age creap up on me?

Meme from Anne behind the cut (and since she was the last to comment, this one is going to Claudia):
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Not only am I peeved at PayPerPost (come on, it’s been 3 weeks since I’ve had an available opportunity!) but I’m a little disgruntled with my Fantastico at the moment. I have had this big, ugly, yellow “WordPress 2.6.1 is available! Please update now,” above my wordpress administration panel for a month, and now my Fantastico is finally updated - and you guessed it, now it says “WordPress 2.6.2 is available! Please update now.” I’m so lame, I don’t know how to update it myself, so I’ll just have to wait until Fantastico updates in a month or so to update it, by then it will probably be up to 2.6.8 or something.

I have no new photos, my batteries are dead (edit: I just found some batteries, yay!) and the last few days have been long, drawn out and given me plenty of “writing” mood and I can now probably churn out another 15 pages on my novel - if I so dared. I’m kind of skipping around in the story and writing about things that come to mind then I’ll go back in and give it the fillers and stuff it needs later. And I swear to G– if my bird does not stop screaming at me I may just give him a time out. His little hormones are surging and he’s giving kisses to everything and won’t stop staring at himself in the mirror. If only I could be so vain. I realized that he’s fallen “in love” with one of his toys, as male birds often do, and have moved the toy to another area in his cage to see if that qualms his urges - if the behavior continues I know my eardrums will eventually shatter from the increasingly loud, shrill noise he insists on making every one second. And not for nothing, but I’ve run out of band-aids and yeah, the toy had to go.

I wound up beating my high score on the game yesterday, I know it sounds lame, but I got a 162. And what is it with sleezy bar men that think that they can just hit on any woman? There I am sitting with my Sister and Brother-In-Law and a few of their friends. We’re playing the bowling game (there’s like 9 of us at that point playing) and this dude keeps squeezing my shoulder, patting my back. At one point he quips “Man, you’ve got a nice back, but I hope that’s not how our whole relationship is gonna be.” Can we say creepy? And at another point he bends down while I’m sitting on the stool and he grabs my leg to get a stray string off of my capris off. Yeah, that’s nice and all, but ya kinda invaded my bubble there. My sister and I were joking that we needed to buy a Wii so we could use that game instead of having to spend like 5 bucks a weekend on the game in the bar. Then we had to laugh because here we are in the mid to late twenties wanting to play a freaking video game. Then we decided that we were going to try to take Western Humanities together next semester - or English Comp II. Not too sure which class we’ll try for together.

I’ve got to set the VCR in the t.v. room for the correct time and date because September 23, baby! NCIS premiers. I think I’m probably the only one out there that does not have a DVR, but that’s alright, I don’t need fancy equipment. As long as my tape works out or CBS posts the new episode online, I will see it. So, if you haven’t seen the show, go watch it.

Anywho, I’m off to go write some of my novel.

Edit: I had been refreshing PPP about every 3 or 4 minutes while writing this post. I refreshed just as this was saving to WP and oh em gee. There was a new qualified opportunity and all of the posts were already taken. Dude. Seriously?!

I was so angry this past Monday! I turned in my rough draft for my first paper to my Professor via email (like she asked) last Wednesday. This past Tuesday she said “Everyone who turned in a rough draft, I got back to right?” and I’m like “uh, NO” So, thankfully I had a copy of my rough draft in my notebook and handed it to her during the break. She got back to me last night and said that although there were some minor grammatical things, that even if I didn’t change them, my paper will be given a high “A.” Can we say w00t? She said it was strongly written and a great descriptive essay. *bows* thank you, thank you very much! Now as far as my math goes, I really just need to finish these chapters up, but I’ll do it on Saturday - I’m so tired!

I was so tired last night that driving home (the whole 25 minutes from the College) that I almost fell asleep driving on the long street that turns into the gated community. I wound up going to bed at like 8:15 last night and by the time 12 o’clock rolled around I was up until 2. It defeated the purpose of me going to bed early! I finally figured out why I haven’t been able to sleep though. This used to happen to me when I worked at both of my old jobs where I worked long hours. The more hours I worked, the more stressed I got and couldn’t sleep because I’d feel like I shouldn’t because there was more stuff that should be done. I guess it’s stress or maybe a twinge of guilt about actually sitting down and relaxing or sleeping. It’s an odd feeling, and I just want a good night sleep. The only way I actually fell back asleep last night was because I meditated for a little bit.

I really wouldn’t call it meditating, but it’s only a way to describe it. It’s kind of like redirecting my thoughts to focus on something other than what’s bothering me. Generally I force myself to picture a calm enviroment…for instance last night I forced myself to think that I was standing on a porch with my flannel pajamas on, holding a hot cup of coffee, overlooking trees and a stream. It generally works - most of the time too well. I didn’t feel like getting up this morning!

Recipe behind the cut
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