…that I’m spending alone. Valentines Day has always been my arch nemisis. I mean after third grade, when people aren’t obligated to send you Valentines anymore, I was always the kid that maybe got one or two. In high school, I dreaded Valentines Day because they would have these booth’s set up where you could buy a Carnation to give to people, and I think over the four years I was there, not once did I ever receive one? It used to make me feel so bad, when I’d walk in a classroom and see someone with fifteen or twenty of those damned flowers.

Now, I’m older (supposedly wiser) and Valentines Day still pisses me off. It’s just another Hallmark Holiday where men send cards to the ladies in their lives with sappily sweet sayings and quotes. Jewelry stores, Florists, Bakery’s – this is like the epitome of all day best sellers. But for people like me, who have signed up for those dating sites – and getting not one but five rejections from people, one person downright rude and said “I wouldn’t want to talk to you because you’re ugly.” Okay, seriously? I did not ever once proclaim to be a beauty queen. I’m a tomboy. I don’t like the limelight, I’d much rather be curled up next to a fireplace, under an afghan reading a good book, snuggled up with my man, then out on the town wearing some trashy ghetto shirt, boozing it up with my chums.

I’m not saying this is wrong – so please don’t think that I am. This is just how I’m feeling. Yeah, guess what, I am bitter. I really don’t care anymore (maybe if I keep saying that, I’ll actually start to believe it). Because somewhere deep down I’m still really angry that I got used. And he had enough balls to actually tell me that “you know I was never with you for the [intimacy], deep down I think you know that.” No, jerk, I don’t, because first of all he admitted to me not once, not twice, but five times since our breakup that he knew from the very beginning that he didn’t like me like that. Yet, still, insisted that he loved me then. And then, and then he had enough guts to tell me that after all the things that have been said and done, we’d never be friends because it just wouldn’t work. Who the hell said I wanted to be friends?! The person that I thought I knew lied to me from the very beginning, and I was the stupid one who couldn’t get it. Even after he told me he was in love with his best friend. He gives himself too much credit.

These men that are on these social networking sites are in the same boat I am. They wouldn’t be on there if they could go out in the real world and find a date. So, why base someone’s entire character off of their profile picture? Why? What, to have that trophy wife? The one who looks like a movie star? It’s just not going to happen – that is, unless you’ve been watching too much “Jersey Shore.” Real women, honest to goodness, real women don’t fit into that tiny package and if you’re after that perfect hourglass figure, you may never find it. So why not base what you’re looking for off of personality? I’m not saying your man or woman has to be butt ugly, but some of the nicest people are those who may not necessarily be what society calls “beautiful,” but then again, some of those not necessarily beautiful people, are quiet nasty on the inside as well as the outside.

That’s what I liked about my ex. The guy I saw wasn’t fat, though everyone else saw him that way. He had the most amazing smile and his laugh just lit up a room. The man I thought I knew was tender, who enjoyed nearly everything I did. We couldn’t stop laughing and having a good time. But in the end, it was all a lie and I’m left with knowing I spent almost ten months with someone who didn’t care about me like that at all. Even though I’m moving on (it feels like it’s still going at a snails pace), I’m pretty much giving up on the whole I want to get married and have kids thing because no one is looking for a twenty six year old, who’s still trying to get on her feet, that wears a size 12 and likes the Chicago Bears. I don’t think I’m ugly, I think I’m perfect just the way I am because God made me that way.

I’m tired of meeting guys that keep me on the back burner while they pursue their real interests and when that fades out, come back and pick up where we left off. What I can’t figure out, is just why I keep letting myself be placed on the back burner? Mostly because as much as I think of myself, I guess it’s just not enough. I’ve got to work on myself – but then again – maybe it’s society that needs to work on itself.

And that, my friends, is what Valentines Day does to the unwanted.