Wow, almost (if not all) of my paycheck is gone. I had to buy some more new blouses for my new job and wasn’t expecting my bill to be quite that much. I also went online to see my class schedule and to see if my English Professor had been announced yet, but still says “TBA.” I needed to get my books for my math class anyway; it was way expensive for them bundled and I didn’t realize until today I had the option of buying the two of the books seperately. So, I went online and found them seperate and spent about half of what the bundled book cost. But still! It’s so expensive (especially since my loan hasn’t come in yet!)

The payment for my classes is due by the 18th (tomorrow!) and because my loan has not been processed, packaged and been available, I also had to put 25% of the class(es) down so that I wouldn’t be dropped from the classes because the loan hasn’t been processed and packaged yet. I now have until October 23rd to come up with the remaining balance - and hopefully the loan will be ready by then, or else this first semester is totally on me. I really wish that someone had explained to me in the way beginning that the FAFSA does not seek out loans, but only grants that you qualify for and that loans are completely seperate entities. And yes, after standing in line for an hour and a half on Thursday, I finally did get to talk to someone which is how I found out all of these things.

Friday was a pretty sad day for me. One of my coworkers gave me a cake and I wound up crying (I’m such a softy!) I recieved hugs from just about everyone - and that made me cry all over again. Who would have thought I could have been so attached to these people? I am really going to miss some of my favorite customers, and even as much as I complain about one of the ladies there, she is the one I will miss the most. I am excited for tomorrow, but a little nervous too. I’m worried that I won’t fit in or be up to par with what they want. I hope that I’ve gotten the right clothes and the right styles; and I hope I look the part.But I think that everyone feels that way before their first day, right? I know that if I just put my head to it, I know that I will succeed!

People have called me crazy recently for starting a new job and starting college all within 2 weeks of each other. Yes, I do think I am a little crazy, but I think that I can handle this; actually I know I can! These were things I needed to do and wanted to do. I need to create a better vision of myself and see myself differently and this is how I’m going to do it. People can either choose to like me or choose not to like me, but the only person that really matters in all of this is myself. I’ll be able to financially get back on my feet and that is one thing I’m really looking forward to!

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So, today I decided that I had like 1 pair of work pants that fit me and all of my shirts are either hand-me-downs or way out of style (or a little bit of both). I had enough! The last time I was able to really go out and buy anything was about 3 years ago. I never had enough money to go out and do the things I wanted or to get the things I needed. I wanted to get the most for my money, so we wound up going to Target (big mistake), Ross and Marshalls. I got some dressy clothes, a whole bunch of capris and regular shirts to wear to work (other than the color red) and I spent only about a hundred. I did feel guilty when I bought the stuff today, because I felt like I shouldn’t buy myself anything, like I should be spending it all on someone else. That’s a really crappy way to feel about things.

I went back to the apartment to give S some cat food and dog food because he said he didn’t have the money to get them anything. Seriously? Then why was there a large Pizza box sitting on the dining room counter? He could have taken the twenty bucks it cost him to get that, go to Sweetbay or lord knows, Walmart, got himself some cheap t.v. dinners, breakfast and lunch food and dog and cat food. Instead of spending it on frivilous fast food that wouldn’t last a few days. Poor money management at its best.

I spent a few hours going over my collectibles with a toothbrush and a Qtip, bronze and glass cleaner. I didn’t clean any moving parts of the carousel horses or anything, just the outside. I should have cleaned them last Christmas (I usually clean them about every 6 months or so), but I just didn’t. I had to reorganize them anyway as they were packed in boxes from the move. It went pretty smoothly, although one of my angels did lose her bird because I’m stupid and she fell out of my hands halfway onto the carpet, and halfway onto the cement floor of the garage. It’s nothing a little superglue won’t fix. A lot of my stuff is from the late 80s, early 90s. I was surprised - most of my collectible horses are copyrighted 1986, 1988 or thereabouts. I wanted to see if I could find any more online or something, but unfortunately I can’t make out the names of the companies. I’m also a little surprised that my 5 year old self managed not to break any of them. I remember when I was 7, I put them in my bedroom (my Mother had them downstairs at one point) and I put them on my highest shelf in my room, above my desk. I used to gleefully announce to all of my childhood friends “Those are not toys - we can not play with those.” I was such a twerp, lol.

Oh well, I’ve got to vacuum in here right at the moment. I might do a vlog at the end of the week or around Wednesday, I am not too sure yet.

I absolutely love getting little knick-knacks. Especially ones that are about my favorite seasons. Oh who is kidding? I love all knick-knacks. Our entire apartment is covered in them. From my first ever knick-knack, it’s a Musical Carousel Horse from the San Fransisco Music Box Company - all the way up to my little scarecrows with the dangly feet. I had been admiring my Mother’s little see-saw scarecrows for the last week. When I got home today and in her “goodie bag” she always sends me home with, in that bag was my own. I put it up on my t.v. where the other “festive” ones are. I did not realize that this was sandcast.

I have officially broken my first knick-knack. I ran out into the living room after I heard a thud. I was hoping it was a photo frame, or Keegan dropping her ball on the floor. Oh no, Kimber was batting the see-saw on the ground. I was furious and crying at the same time. No one ever buys me things like that anymore. The was part of the set, and was an early birthday present for me. I have two Cocker Spaniels that I bought for myself last May. But, I just can’t believe it. I have never broken one of my figurines before. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to be crying over (like spilt milk) but I’m never appreciated here at home. I work to take care of people all day every day, and I come home and still have to take care of the animals and of Sidney. And when I get little things like that, it makes me feel appreciated, or at least thought of.

But on a happier note, I bought some new yarn tonight. I’m going to try to make another afghan - I haven’t been able to get back up to Joannes to get any more fabric since I finished the bags I was working on. Wal-Mart has really crappy fabric for this time of year. I am going to use the crocheting pattern I have always done - I’m not going to get all fancy like one and a half or double stitches. Just my regular stitch. I like my blankets to be heavy - which is a completely different stitch than a single. And if I were using a smaller weighted yarn, it would be like a sweater kind of stitch I guess.

But, I am going to get off now. Am very tired, all cried out. Sigh.

I remember being 17 and falling in love with a deep purple Dodge Neon. Oh, I wanted that car but the guy wanted a ton of money for it. I wasn’t ready for it and I cried for days after that. Totally acted like I was 17. Wrote in my journal about how unfair life was. Well, Good Friday of that year, we happened to go to a huge car sale at the Fairgrounds. We wound up buying the dealers personal 1997 Dodge Neon. That car was much better and I was so happy with it. It was amazing to have that first car. Then as time went on, I realized that having a two door car with hand roll windows was not the best thing in Florida. Storms popped up quicker than you could shake a stick at and to pull off the side of the road to roll up your window was very frustrating. So, I traded it in and got my current car.

Today, we went to talk to the Mortgage lady. The interest rate was too high and created too high of a debt to income level for us and am about ready to cry. “Don’t worry, try this and in two years come back and we’ll see how things go.” Okay, life sucks. She basically said we were prequalified. We did what we were supposed to - and now she says we aren’t qualified at all? Life just sucks right about now. Well, I guess now we have to look at rentals because I don’t know how much longer we can stay in our apartment. I keep saying to myself this too shall pass.

I waited patiently for two days so others could do their two or three loads of laundry with the two washers/dryers downstairs. I took my two loads of laundry and dumped them in the washer. We went out for, no lie, 45 minutes to go house hunting. When I came back, my clothes were all piled into one washer. Someone had touched my undergarments, Sidney’s things. My pillow cases, my towels. I can not begin to tell you how disgusting that makes me feel. I am crawling with heebie jeebies inside. Okay, no one touches my pillows ‘cept me. Not even Sidney. I’m totally not kidding either, I’m really OCD about them. I can’t sleep if they are turned a different way, or if they are moved. I have a hard time sleeping after I wash the sheets because I might have put the pillow case on the opposite way that it was going the night before. I’ve been this way forever.

Same goes with my towels. My towel has to be folded after I get out of the shower and can’t touch his. I just am really creeped out about that. And to find that someone moved my things - my wet, clean clothes - just made me angry. I started screaming, I screamed at Sidney who told me to calm down. Then, my two loads of laundry had to go in ONE dryer because not only did this person move my clothes, but she had both washers taken and the good dryer taken too. I was so pissed off. I contemplated lifting the lid to the washer so that it would stop, and putting a crayon in their drying clothes, but I thought that’d be a little too cruel.

So, I wasted about 15 bucks doing laundry tonight. I have no more quarters left and remarkably? My clothes are still wet. And the little hoe that touched my clothes is sitting up comfortably in her own apartment. I contemplated banging on her door, or keying her car. But that’s just not me. I’m really fed up with people. She comes over every friggen night. “Can you burn me a CD?” “Can you open this can of peas for me?” “Can I borrow your Vacuum?” And she just did two loads of laundry yesterday. Let others have a turn, hoe. I am really mad. I wanted to take my benadryl to get a good nights sleep tonight, but now it’s late and I have to get up early tomorrow to get my shots of death.

And how is it that there is a nice cool breeze blowing outside, on this crystal clear night and it is 84 degrees in my apartment - it is no more than 75 outside. I am roasting. I want to turn on the air, but the mornings have been nice. And I know that if I just wait it out, it will get cool. Or maybe I’m just steamed from earlier.

On the plus side, we found two houses directly in the range of money we want to spend and we are going to go see them after appointment with our Mortgage broker tomorrow. That makes me happy.

I am now an official Nationally Certified Pharmacy Technician. Though I feel more powerful, truly I am not. I’m hoping for more money an hour, but I doubt it. I’m also thinking about maybe going to school for nursing or xray tech. I’d be lying if I said happiness was worth more than wealthiness. I want to be able to afford the nice things. And what kills me is that the houses we are looking at that are in our prime dollar-wise, are all dumps and need 30k more to make it into a livable space. Sometimes I feel Sidney is content to be who he is and not strive to be better. When we move into a house, I set a goal for two years minimum that we’d live there. Two years from now, I’ll be almost 26. I don’t want to live in a 900sqft house! I would be wanting a baby at that point, a bigger space.

And someday, I don’t want to live in Florida. North Carolina, Virginia, maybe higher. Much higher, like Maine. And the one house I want is way out of our price range. It was perfect, right down to the Cocker Spaniels on the chain link fence. It was across the street from a library, on reserve land that would never be built on. Beautiful, just beautiful. But we’re going to look a bit North where the houses are in our price range.

I am going to be making a blanket for Sidney and I (or my Sister and B-I-L but haven’t decided which yet). Fleece. Yum. I just have to figure out how many yards I need. And I will wind up getting it this Friday after I go see the DMV.