So, 2009 ended in a really bad way for me and I’m really hoping 2010 is much better than 2009. My really awesome boyfriend dumped me the Monday after Thanksgiving. It was really hard for me to wrap my head around mostly because the way it was done. He told me that he was getting older and that he wanted to have kids and he knew I wanted to have kids, but he didn’t want to have kids with me. He told me that he was never in love with me and had to take me places and do things with me to see if he could make himself fall in love with me.
I was devastated.
When someone you’re with for nearly a year (just shy by about 2 months and a week), tells you that they should have broken up with you in July and the only reason they statyed was just trying to see if they could fall in love with you is such a hard blow to the self-esteem. He had to try to fall in love with me. It made me feel like I just wasn’t good enough. My wonderfully picture perfect relationship was all a fabrication; everything we did together (vacations, romantic dinners etc.) were because he couldn’t decide if I was what he wanted. He reduced our relationship from what I thought was my forever thing, to something that was of friends with benefits status.
I became frantic, I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Life just didn’t seem right without him in it. I started posting stuff on facebook to try to boost my self-esteem, trying to show the world I didn’t care that he shattered my heart, but all that got me was me being called a psycho bitch, crazy and the truth finally came out of the reason he broke up with me. He broke up with me because I deleted his best friend and my supervisor (her mother) off of my facebook, by accident. Also, he had gone into the hospital Black Friday (after he went out with his best friend…who is a girl, who is practically married and has a child) at 1am and did his Christmas shopping (family christmas shopping no less) with her, and I texted her Mom (which he calls “Momma number 2″) about his condition in the hospital because I thought she’d like to know. I understood that they were important people in his life and as much as it pissed me off she was always first in his life, I understood. I stayed with him all day, because he was doped up on narcotics from the hospital and apparently those two things were the straw that broke the camels back. So, we’ll back the train up, he broke up with me for deleting his friends off of my facebook by accident, and texting his close friend about his condition and staying with him to make sure he was okay. You read right.
The last month has been absolutely terrible. I feel so crappy about myself. For the first time in my life, I really thought that I was loved by someone other than my family. He made me feel special and wanted, the way he’d look at me made me feel like he loved me. I really could picture him and I walking down the aisle and tying the knot. I really, really wanted that and I really thought we were perfect together. But now I just feel stupid for even feeling that way because he never wanted that with me. He didn’t want me. It makes me feel dirty and used and I really don’t know how to look at people anymore. I mean I thought my last relationship was bad, with the cheating and verbal abuse I got. But at least that guy was open with his feelings about me and how he was as a person. S never pretended to care about me, or be in love with me. But B really let me think we were good together. We were always together. He had the audacity to tell me he loved me as we were breaking up (we were both crying) and he still gave me my Christmas present (a DS Lite).
I not only lost my best friend during this breakup, but all of his family. I really, really miss his family. A lot. All of them, they were all wonderful and I really loved them. I felt so at home with them, I never felt like I didn’t belong. These were people that started to feel like my own family so in this breakup I went from having a wonderful supporting boyfriend and his wonderful family back down to four other people in my life. I felt so alone, so abandoned. Nothing seemed real, nothing is legit.
I started going out with friends, trying to find some way to release all this pain I felt. Nothing worked. I still cry myself to sleep. Every night since he broke up with me, I’ve cried myself to sleep. Even my anti-depressants don’t make me feel any better. When all you’ve wanted in your life was for someone to want you and to find out that no one does – it’s the worst feeling in the world. I’m not a teenager anymore, in four years I’ll be 30, my clock started ticking. To top it all off, friends are having babies, getting married, my cousins are having babies and getting married and here I am, all alone.
How does one get over losing the best person you’ve ever met? I have yet to say one nasty thing about him. He’s a good person, I still love him as a person, I want him to have the best of everything and yet at the same time I want the same thing for me. Everyone tells me I’m a good person, I’m special, I’m this, I’m that – then how is everyone passing up something this great? If that’s what I am, then why am I always the one that is alone? What am I doing wrong in my life that someone can’t see the these things in me and want me? Why am I never wanted?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need anybody in my life. A man will not complete me as a person. But when you open your heart to someone and they just walk right on through, without fear of consequences and have the ability to just completely rip your world to shreds, it takes a while to bounce back. It’ll be the last time I’ll let someone in like that.
So, 2010, I welcome you with open arms. My resolutions? Lose weight, get straight A’s (ha, now I’m getting into my sciences and math’s which I suck at), have more faith in myself and will try to look at people for what they really are. Everyone is out for themselves and I need to jump in the rat race. If no one’s gonna stick up for me, then I’m going to stick up for myself.
For a guy who is apparently “getting older”, thus more mature, he sounds incredibly selfish and immature. If he was so much older than you, why didn’t he talk about it instead of acting so childishly? I know it’s hard to hear this because you obviously cared very much and deeply for this person, but I honestly think you are better off without him. You deserve someone who is honest and doesn’t dick around with your time: you are worth so much more than that. You are beautiful, and caring and so immeasurably sweet. Someone is going to notice that and you’re going to really know what it’s like to be loved unconditionally.