…or so they say. I took a while off from blogging, partly because I guess I’ve gotten to the point in my life where airing my dirty laundry seems to be quite unusual as well as I just didn’t have the time. True to my last post, I have done what I’ve said. I lived in the moment, breathed a new breath into my life. I’ve bought things I’ve wanted to buy, sung when I was told I stunk, danced while vacuuming and I’ve worked longer, harder, better and achieved things that took effort.

I’m on the road to being a new me, one who honestly doesn’t care if I look a little on the heavy side. I’m beautiful. I’ve gone to the grocery store and bought fruit and Lean Cuisine’s and buttered popcorn all in one shot (anyone else see the irony in this?) I’ve realized that not all of my classes will be as good as my first semester and I may even grow to like the professors I have this semester (but it’s not likely). I missed this last Tuesdays class because I simply did not feel like going. Second semester blues, the ones where you think “what the heck am I doing here?” where you find that you could find something else better to do with your time. I really had to force myself to go back to class on Thursday and I’m glad I did. It’s like getting back on the horse once you fall. You realize that it’s not the horses fault for your fall, you analyze the situation and learn from it. My realization? That I was too busy comparing this semester to last semester and not giving these professors a chance. So, instead of taking time to listen to how these people taught, I was too busy thinking that they stunk.

I also realized that I was starting to fall into the vicious cycle of relationship woes. I had forgotten my whole mantra of not needing anyone to make me happy. I became dependent on the idea that if I worked harder or something then perhaps I’d be “good enough.” When things didn’t happen, I blamed myself that I just wasn’t good enough when in actuality it was probably that I tried too hard. Working hard to achieve something is different than working hard to obtain the unattainable. One gives results, the other leaves you feeling worthless.

Categories: Life

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