Perhaps I’m getting older and blogging just isn’t the same. I try not to mention peoples names, places I’ve been or the like – it infringes on privacy. A thing I used to care so little about. I lived a for almost 9 years on the internet, before a crowd of people. Nameless people who just lurk and don’t comment. It used to bother me that I was good enough to read, but no one stepped up to the plate. Almost like I was their dirty little secret. But the thing is, I know they are there. Reading the words I’ve sprawled out on this page, perhaps trying to read between the lines.
It has come to my attention that I could password protect my posts that I don’t want being seen, but then what is the point of having a public weblog? That’s what private journals are for. Want to really know someone? Read their honest to goodness, paper journal. There is more than meets the eye. I’d love to tell you all about the guy I’ve got a crush on, or the people I deal with on a day to day basis. Somehow, those things just don’t make it to this blog.
Alright, so here goes…I like this guy. He’s just a regular guy, with some color hair, and gorgeous eyes. Taller than me, like a good guy should. Smart. Funny. One of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. The kind who’d open a door for a lady, who would probably never say anything nasty about anyone. A guy I’ve liked for a very, very, very long time…years even. I know he’ll know I’m talking about him, if he ever read this blog. It’s because of him that I realized I was being harsh on myself…everyone yearns for that one person that they can truly mesh with. Someone to laugh at their bad jokes, tell them they’re worth it when they job they get isn’t what they thought.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pinning all of my hopes and dreams on this man. But he’s something I’m aiming for – not necessarily him, but the idea of him. See, the trouble with me is that I always fall for the guys that are unattainable. Kind of like the five dollar bill attached to fishing line being pulled along as you reach for it. I’ve done this all of my life and just once, I wish that someone would perhaps notice me. I’m twenty-five years old and I have never once been asked out by a man. I have always been the asker. For once I’d like to be the askee, if that makes any sense. Maybe I’m a take charge kind of girl, but just once I’d like to be swept off my feet and have someone tell me that they’d waited forever to hear me say “yes” to a date.
I keep thinking that if I cut my hair a certain way, or lose weight, or dress a certain way that maybe someone will notice me. But then they wouldn’t really be seeing the real me. So, today I am going to live in the moment. I’m going to smile because I’m happy and cry when I’m sad. I’m going to be honest with myself and learn to trust my own instincts. I’m going to put myself out on the line and dance like no one’s watching. I’ll stop wishing on stars and create my own luck. I’ll learn to accept the things I can not change and maybe someday, said man will look my way and see things he’s never seen. However, I don’t want to waste my life hoping to see that day.
So, today I bid this lust, this “I want what I can’t have” goodbye. Today begins the new year and this year is all about me. I am the headliner in this story and I want the write-up to be astounding. So, if that means I have to make a little waves, perhaps I will. Perhaps.