It took me a few days to come to grips with this and although I have posted in between said conversation and this moment, it was still in the front of my mind. Four years ago, December 24, I thought I was the luckiest woman alive. I had a new ring on my finger and a man in which I thought would grow old with me. I pictured us sitting on rocking chairs, drinking our hot coffee watching the cars go by. The ring is off of my finger and it has been over 6 months since the breakup and I am okay with this. Except for the holidays, it was very easy to forget that he and I ever existed as a couple, and I rather liked it that way.
I am mostly over the anger of what happened during the course of our relationship because I have grown into a strong, independent person. I’ve realized that I can achieve great things (like a 4.0…honest! I got a 4.0 last semester!) without anyone to lean on. But I will be the first to admit the “firsts” were quite hard. The first morning without him. His birthday. My birthday. Thanksgiving. Christmas Eve. I can remember walking out of my sisters house with so much hope, so much love for the man. Watching him get down on bended knee to ask me if I’d be with him forever.
Then, to have my brother-in-laws mother state matter of factly on Christmas Eve, just 15 minutes shy of that time forever ago, that she saw him at a Christmas party and he was hitting on all the girls. I wanted to slug her. I wanted to kick and scream. Throw a tantrum. Things I did not realize before, I suddenly saw. I was the only one without a date at my Sisters Christmas party. I wanted to go home, to curl up in my parents guestbed and cry. It made me realize that I don’t have my own bed (I sleep in my parents guestbed), my own place and everything I had fought so hard for all that time ago – was stripped from me. All of the self-worth and determination I had was stripped. I admit it: I had to fight back tears, but they came anyway.
The moment was fleeting, however. By Christmas morning, the pain had subsided and I could laugh over the fact that he was hitting on “all the girls.” Either he and the bi woman he was with broke up, or she didn’t know that he was out “hitting on all the girls.” I read a few days ago that he was hanging out with sixteen and seventeen year olds. Seriously? The man is 27, will be 28 in 2009. Ten years their senior, minors no less! If I still hated him, I’d report him. To each their own. He needs someone to lean on, someone to hold his hand and tell him how great he is. I, on the other hand, have learned that about myself and let others form their own opinions of me. Good or bad at least I know who I am.