If I stop worrying about what others think all the time, will that make me less of a caring person? Can a person still care about others if they don’t really care about what they are thinking or feeling? I’d really like to know the answer to this. The past few weeks have been such a self revelation. Yes, I have been working my ass off (that reminds me I’ve got some math homework to do….) and I’m really proud of myself. I know that it will look really awesome on my resume someday to post that I’ve gotten good grades, even if they were at a community college. But I’d really like to voice my opinions in class, I’d really like to speak up and just be like those people I hate. Just once – not care what anyone else thought of me and just…be. I guess that’s how I could describe it. I want to dance and not care if people are watching. I want to walk in a store and not feel like people are thinking I’m fat. I want to just, argh! I don’t know how to put it. The one class I’d really like to speak up in is in my English Comp class. Ever since we turned in those “How am I doing?” survey’s – this Professor has just been awesome – a truly brilliant mind. If I could be half the teacher she is when I graduate I’d be ecstatic. Take that as you want.

But back to my question. If one could just let go of all their pretenses and just let the world move them…does that make them a bad person? Does it make them less intelligent? Or does it just make them a person who is secure in their own being? I have always hated those people that just go out to the bars to drink, have a good time and not worry what a fool they look like. Or those people who can just walk in a room and feel right at home. I want to be like that.

It’s not enough for me to succeed in my job and get good grades anymore…I want that to spill over into my personal life too. I want to learn and be able to express myself. I want to feel self-confident and let others know that I know what the hell I’m spewing about over the phone. I don’t want to second guess myself anymore. People know me as “sweet”, “innocent”, “childlike.” I want them to see me as an intelligent person, then as a nice person. Why is this so important to me? Perhaps if I give myself worth or validity for being who I think I am on the inside then I can let others see that. I spent so many years hiding on the inside because I thought if others saw the real me that they wouldn’t like me… and trust me, being liked its a major part of everyone’s lives.

I worked very hard to fly under everyone’s radar for so long – I want to know how on earth do I blast myself into the “oh my God. Look at me!” I don’t know but if it means having to start talking in class without raising my hand, or going out to bars just to introduce myself or volunteering at a Library just to get involved in my community I want to do it. If it means I have to buy a one person round trip plane ticket just to fly myself to a place I’ve never been just so I could say I went – I want it. There is so much world out there and I keep myself shut in, sheltered. I don’t let myself live and I’m sick of it. I want to excel in every single thing I put my mind to and damn it. I will.