The parachute is opening and I will not fall. The last few weeks have been heartbreaking, confusing, hurtful. It’s been one huge emotional rollercoaster. We have both said out loud that it’s over. Now it’s just the getting out part thats hard. How do you disect a four year relationship and decide who’s is what when in reality the only things you know that belong to you were the stuff from your past. But what about the stuff you got together? My lovebird painting that he got me for christmas is coming with me. The dishes I bought are staying. Forks and knives are staying. The crockpot I got for my birthday is staying. The vacuum is staying. My dirt devil is coming with me. These are the things that have maybe brought us together. Gifts to and from.

Saying goodbye is never easy but I know that time will heal all of my wounds. Maybe not completely, but someday all I’ll have left is a little scar. Something to look back on and remember - and depending on how nicely things end will be the memories I keep with me. To look back on and remember fondly, or to look back with hatred and distrust. I know now, that I could never be with someone from another culture. It’s not that I am racist, but rather that I don’t like being left out. Language barriers annoy me. Family that doesn’t talk to you like you exist, that annoys me. Someone who can’t tell me about their day, you guessed it, annoys me.

But I also learned something about myself. I spent all of this time morphing into a person who somehow got their spine ripped out. I don’t stand up for myself. I let others walk all over me. I talk about these dreams and hopes and yet I never work to achieve them. Is this his fault? Maybe a little. Self-degrading, self-loathing. Never leaving the house - being couped up all the time…together. Even those in healthy relationships need time a part for a little while. If my next guy wants to play football with the guys on the weekends, hey it suits me, as long as I get to do something I enjoy during the week. I’ve learned never to depend on someone else for everything. I need to be self-sufficient. No one will ever hold above my head again that they’ve paid all of the bills. No one will ever tell me that I can’t put the air conditioning on 73 degrees again.

I know that in about a week I’ll be completely out of this place. I’ll have left behind two cats and a dog, but gained something so much more. I have figured out what I don’t want - now it’s time to figure out what I do want and what will make me happy. I’m afraid that I’ll be alone for ever, but in the same respect I feel an “I don’t care when it happens.” Someday, somehow I hope that someone will find me (or vice versa) and we can be happy. Someday, right?

I know now that sometimes those jumps are for the better and the parachute will open and I will land on the bottom unscathed. And sometimes I know I’ll get bruised and broken along the way. But I’ll always be me.

I spent Thursday and Friday nights at my parents house. Thursday I barely got any sleep, due to homesickness and being upset about things. It was also like 80 degrees with one window and no fan. By Friday night, it was so nice to walk into my parents home. Everything was clean, Mom kept trying to wait on me. Friday night, climbing into this big king sized bed, alone, was nice and upsetting at the same time. I had 4 king sized pillows to sleep on. I didn’t have to curl to the edge of the bed, which someones knee in my back. I read until I couldn’t read anymore….I turned the light off, when I wanted it off. It was sweet.

But by Saturday night, all I really wanted was my cat and the air conditioning.

Life is crazy sometimes. Sometimes you just get that raise and other times people laugh in your face. I am so non-confrontational and not at all aggressive that I stand there in limbo. I hate making choices because I don’t like to fail - and I don’t want to hear that I’ve failed. One person from work, keeps telling me to go to Nursing school because I “would be a great nurse.” I do not want to insert i.v.’s, wipe strangers feces or urine off. I don’t want that type of job. “But you’ll get paid so much more than a Teacher.” Seriously? I did see in Parade magazine this morning, that a High School Teacher in Ft. Pierce made $42,000 last year. A nurse makes about the same. I am too afraid to walk into the college and hear them say “I’m sorry, we can’t do anything.” I’m afraid that I’ve screwed up my credit so bad that I won’t be able to get a loan and I won’t qualify for grants.

I’m frustrated in my relationship because I feel like we’re stuck at a dead end. No savings, living paycheck to paycheck. Why is this acceptable to me? Why can’t we talk about the most intricate of things? It’s so unnerving to see others getting engaged and married after and before me. 2005. I’ve been engaged since 2005. This is not acceptable to me. I feel like such a horrible person when I get angry and scream at him because of his back. It’s not fair of me to do that. Though he isn’t exactly sweet as cherry pie to me either. We need to take a step back or forward and talk about our relationship. Things in general.

So, I feel like I’m standing at a cliff. Looking over the edge and about to make some kind of life changing decision. I feel like when I look over the edge and I don’t want to make that leap, because what if that parachute doesn’t open and I fall miserably and wind up with nothing but scars and broken bones?

So, yesterday I was so upset. I wanted to spill my guts out to someone or something. I realized that I just couldn’t put those feelings out for the world to see. I opened my journal and wrote. So, paper still does it for me for things I just can’t say on here. Stuff about relationships, mostly. I’m going through a really hard time right now with the scheme of things, but once the whole situation is over, I think we both can breathe a little easier knowing that we’ll both be better then.

So, yesterday was my sisters birthday (Happy Birthday, Sis!) I can’t say how old she is, but I hope her day was filled with happiness (and butterflies and lollipops, lol). I went out to the steakhouse with my Dad, Mom, BIL and Sister. Pretty good, though I enjoyed the salad and bread more than my Prime Rib. No one, no one does a good Prime Rib around here. The Roadhouse was pretty good, but I don’t think they are in existence around me anymore. I would have subbed my mashed potatoes for Broccoli, but it’s all good. When I came home I did about 30 minutes on my Gazelle. I still weigh what I weighed yesterday, so that’s a good sign.

Eventually, my blogs will be better. When I don’t have to censor

So, I just upgraded to the newest Wordpress. So far, I am in love. The other Wordpress had a slightly b2 feel about it (don’t get me wrong, I miss b2) - but this is nice. New theme as well, I couldn’t be bothered making my own at the moment (though I do like this one a lot).

Work was hectic today and I did feel a little more than stressed out. I really do need my vacation soon. I feel the tension when I walk into work that “Ugh another day of this crap.” Please do not construe this as “I hate my job,” because that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s just very stressful when you have people screaming at you about their prescriptions and why haven’t we gotten them ready yet? I’d really like to tell them to get a grip on life, but alas I can not. My coworkers have been stressed out lately as well and I can handle outside stresses, but when it hits close to home and I have to deal with it from the same people every day, it really doesn’t bode well for me.

Tomorrow I’m taking my Parents cat, Maui, to the vet. Seems the poor old dear has an upper respitory infection. Then hopefully my Dad will take a look at my Vitara. My car has been “purring” so to speak, when I turn on the A/C or the defogger. I almost just wrote ‘defroster’ but seriously, in Florida - there is no need for a ‘defroster.’ It only happens when I idle, so he says maybe something is loose (and I joked, “only in my head,” as in a screw loose.) I still have to get my breaks bled and put new fluid in. I think I’ve got a leak somewhere in the line, but am not really too sure. Either that or I need new pads and new shoes [for the car]. I’ve had this car for 5 years and only have 31,000 miles on it (it’s a 2003) and don’t you know my warranty just expired on it on the 1st of April and now I need things done? Not funny. I wouldn’t hesitate to buy another Suzuki. I do love my little Vitara (affectionately “Reebok” or “The Shoe”) - but next time I think I want something a smidge bigger.

I’m procrastinating on going back to school. I think I missed the deadline for summer classes. Now I’m totally mad at myself. On the plus side, I kept off 4 pounds. Go me.

So, I kept off the 4 pounds I lost last weekend when I didn’t eat for 3 days because I was sick. Not that it was a good way to lose weight, I’m glad I kept it off. Tonight is gym night. I’m aiming for 20 minutes on the eliptical (last week I made 18 before I thought I was going to die a long and horrible death). And 2 laps on the treadmill (I did one and a half). I have to look good for my Cousins wedding in November.

I saw the most beautiful Parakeet in Petsmart yesterday. She had a yellow head with black barring, and she was a deep ash grey, with a bit of purple on her back. I nearly bought her, but she was the smallest in the group - but I realized that it didn’t mean she was the youngest. Her cere had already changed to rust (which means it was a female - those don’t change until at least 6 months old if I remember correctly) and her cere was scabby and runny. I would not have bought any birds from that flock after I saw her. I love my Birdeo (Tiel) but miss my Parakeets!

I also got the cutest flip-flops in Target yesterday (along with an awesome new outfit). My new flip-flops are cork, with khaki. Cute, cute, cute.

I really don’t want to go to work today. I want my vacation.

Okay, so I couldn’t take anymore. I went to the Doctor, was told I had a sinus infection (my first in almost a year. Whoa!) Armed with my Neti Pot and Antibiotics I went home. Let me just tell you. The Neti Pot has the oddest feeling ever. What it is is a little teapot thing, you put warm distilled (or in my case previously boiled water that has cooled off), dump in a saline packet and then put it up to your nose. It’s designed to rinse your nose and sinuses, but it felt like I was douching my nose with warm sea water. Honestly though? I do feel a (little) better, though not 100%.

I sent my paperwork back to the Car Insurance last month (whoops) but still haven’t heard anything back yet. It still peeves me off to know that that girl got of scott free. Not a ticket, not a warning - nothing. Though my Allstate rep said that they would go after her to reimburse them for hospital payments. Good for them, sucks for me. As of the end of next month, I will only have 12 car payments left. Yippy! Hopefully by that time next year, I will be back in school, getting my life on track. Doing the whole “Adult on a mission” thing.

I have not been eating the healthiest lately, mostly because I’ve been feeling like the dirt on an Amoeba - but it’s going to get better. Life has to go up from here. Had a long talk with Sidney. I feel so much better saying the things I needed to say, knowing that he couldn’t tune me out by watching his Portuguese shows, or putting on his headphones (we were in the car on the way home from his Doctor). I finally feel a little better and a little less on edge. I was feeling like I was ready to leap at him and let loose. I hate that feeling. We’ve been at each others throats for the last few months and it hasn’t been getting any better. Subconsciously I think I see his back pain as a weakness and it makes me bitter. And then feeling that way, I feel horrible for even thinking that.

New layout at some point - I promise. This one is too dark for me. I need a cheerful(er) layout.