So, it’s been three days of shoving various sprays up my nose and various pills to pop in my mouth to eliminate my snoring. So far, so good. I’m assuming that when I ask Sidney if I’m snoring and he shrugs I take that as a good sign. I actually got to sleep the entire night. I feel well rested and alert. Yay for medicines, though I don’t want to be dependent on them the rest of my life.

I wound up working from 9-7 last night. Can I just tell you how good that sitting down in the car felt on the way home? That had been the first time I had gotten to sit down since 8:45 yesterday morning. I can’t wait until I go to school and graduate. At least Teachers get a desk to sit down in! I still have not received any brochures from either college that I asked for one. I’m wondering if the person that hijacked my W2 got my brochure. At least my favorite Magazine was gracious enough to extend my service because they couldn’t replace the ones that were stolen out of my mailbox. Seriously, if you really want a copy of Self Magazine or Fitness magazine, I swear, if you go to any major news stand, it will be there. I promise.

Tonights dinner? Whole wheat pasta, with stewed tomatoes (basil, oregano added), fresh spinach (which will be wilted before adding into the pasta) and black olives. Yum, yum. My motivation for today is the fact that one of my customers yesterday said “Oh, wow. You and that other girl really don’t look alike! You’re so much thinner than her!” That’s right, ma’am. I intend to stay that way.

Yesterday was a crisp, cool day (only in the 50s I think). Which was the perfect opportunity for me to go out bike riding - you know, since I bought my bike. It’s perfect, and very purple. Not a mountain bike, but rather a 10 speed cruiser of sorts. Wide tires, wide comfy seat - they remind me of the days on my Huffy where I’d go up and down, up and down, up and down my street pretending I was on a horse and I was in a horse race. Must go faster, must go faster! I’d often think to myself, standing up and racing down the street. It was white with grey specks. It was my baby. Then there was the sea-green and pink 10-speed that my parents had gotten for me after I had to leave the Huffy up in Jersey. I had it for one summer, and then the woman next door ran it over and never replaced it. I’ve got to raise the handlebars a bit but other than that it’s a great workout. After the first time I was on it, I was like “Oh crap, do I really want to be doing this?” and then got off and nearly collapsed because my legs felt like Jell-o.

The second time was much easier, and I’ve realized that my town is very hilly, even in it’s mild-esque way. Going up a little hill is hard on the legs when you have done nothing but walk for the last oh, 8 years? I can see myself losing some weight with this, as a matter of fact, I do feel better already, a little more tired from lack of sleep and getting a sinus infection, but overall, my body itself feels better.

Last night I made Savory Pork Chops with apple, a side of Broccoli and a side of Tomato Cucumber salad. Basically you take apples (I used a mixture of Granny Smith and Red Delicious), core them, slice them and lay them flat on a baking pan with cooking spray. Sprinkle Brown Sugar and Cinnamon over top. Meanwhile, in a saute pan with butter, brown Pork Chops that have been seasoned with Salt, Pepper, Garlic, Basil and Oregano on both sides. Place on top of the apple mixture, cover with tinfoil. Bake at 350 degrees for 40-60 minutes (depending on how thick the pork chops are and how high your oven is). If you smell something starting to burn - it’s too late for the apples, remove pork chops and plate. In a saute pan, core and dice your apples. Put them in the pan with butter, a smidge of oj (fresh is best), cinnamon, brown sugar, and less than a pinch of salt. Saute until cooked through. Serve over the pork chops Enjoy.

This morning was overcast. I would have liked to sleep in, since it’s my late day at work, but alas. I could not because the master bathrooms showers sounds like nails on a chalkboard when being operated. And the fact that the pipes are in the wall facing the bedroom, I could hear the whole damn mess. So, I took the opportunity to get up at my scheduled time, because they say that if you sleep in one day, it throws off some kind of balance in your system. I don’t need any more imbalances people.

I sent a chunk of change to some bills yesterday (thank you Government for giving me an extra big tax return this year. Thank you.) and feel slightly better about the whole darn mess than I did even last week. I have not gone down to the bike shop yet, because frankly, I need to organize my car. I don’t even know if a bike would fit in the back of my car. Of course, I could take the easy way and just walk there and walk back. But this is Florida and it’s already hot. (Yes, I would like an extra slice of cheese with that whine.) Maybe tomorrow I’ll take a ride there on my way back from the Allergists office. I get my instant sticks of death tomorrow, plus I get to talk to the Doctor about snoring. (joy). Oh, and if anyone asks, the nose strips hurt like a bitch. I had started to get some pain on the bridge of my nose, like someone had kicked me. Then I realized that it was the nose strips I had been wearing at night. I like to sleep with my face buried in the pillow and these two things, in combination, were not the best.

This morning, I’m going to drag out my Gazelle, pop on some Paramore and try to stay on the thing until I’m at track 8. I don’t go by minutes - tracks is better. I once did this with my Alanis Morisette CD, Under Rug Swept. At first, I could only get through track 4 and I was dying. I think 6 weeks into it, I could finish the whole CD and start over and get to track 2 and I’d be just about spent. That was the year I went from 200 pounds to 140 in about 8 months. That was BSC (Before Sidney Came). This time, I have Sidney - and dinner choices are harder. On Sunday I had made this fantabulous Terryaki Chicken, with a Tomato and Cucumber Salad and he was like “where’s the rest of it?” Hello. I told you I was dieting and if I’m dieting, that means so are you. Didn’t help though, that the rest of the night I was starving. Oh, and by the way the myth that if you brush your teeth when you are hungry, you won’t be hungry anymore is a total line of bull. I brushed my teeth at like 8 o’clock and I was still hungry, but then I couldn’t eat anything because wall know how well minty toothpaste and food gets along.

I’m going to go to one of the local Community Colleges tomorrow and see about their classes. I’m nervous, mostly because I want to look intelligent and pretty. I hope jeans are okay to wear because right now, I can’t wear a skirt. I look like someone under a tent. A moo-moo even. I know that’s not the right way to spell it, but I’m too tired to google right now.

So, I decided to compromise. Instead of getting a real bike, I’m going to go to Walmart and buy a stationary bike. Granted in about 6 months when gas prices are about $4.00 a gallon, I might have wished to get the regular bike, but right now, I can afford the $3.20/gal I paid last night (as long as there is not another wasps nest in my gas cover next time!) I’m going to prop my little bike up in the living room, and try to do at least 30 minutes on it every night. With the Gazelle, I just don’t “feel the burn.” But, hey, I can do a bike, right? Right.

So, after much thought and consideration - I decided that I’m going to go back to school. I’d rather go back to school than get a second job because with schooling I can actually get a better job where I can get paid more money and I won’t have to suffer anymore. I contacted two local community colleges about their Educators program and am waiting (eagerly) on their replies. Though I’m nervous as to what type of Teacher I’ll be (the one everyone dreads? or the one that is “Oh, I want HER for a Teacher next year!”) I know I can do this. Florida also has a really great incentive for wanna-be Teachers (with grants etc) and I’m sure I’ll be making the right choice. I do enjoy teaching others when I’m at work, and I did tutor one of the neighbors kids all throughout high school. I was really tough on her though; she’d always say “Jamie, why can’t you just tell me the answer!” and I would say “Because you know it and I want to hear you say it. You’ll remember it more if you say it.” And it’s true. She went onto high school some years later and as far as I know she has a 4.0 grade point average. That makes me feel pretty good.

I gotta stop eating Chinese Take-Out. Anyone know any good recipes that are healthy to cure my craving for it?

Today is my day off to do absolutely nothing. Can I even begin to explain to you how much I need this? Sidney is at work, and the house is quiet (except for the snoring of the dog). I am finally by myself and enjoying my day. I don’t have to feed anyone breakfast, serve anyone lunch and I most certainly do not have to hear Portuguese until tonight. Speaking of tonight, I believe that NCIS is on. I need a Gibbs fix. I watched two straight hours of it on Saturday and was crushed that there wasn’t one more. My God that man is hot.

Tonight I am making my Grandmothers Stuffed Cabbage. No special occasion other than I want it. This is a family recipe and I will never share it online (hope you all don’t mind!) But this is my most favorite dish that was ever invented. It is always the dinner I choose for my Birthday. I can’t wait until my apartment smells of it’s cabbage-y goodness. I’m so lame, lol. I hope Sidney brings home the Rye bread I asked for. You can’t have Stuffed Cabbage without Marble Rye and butter. Oh no you can’t.

I’ve been checking out some bicycles at this shop around the corner. I just have to decide if it is a want or a necessity. I miss my old bike, and I would probably still ride every night if I had one. But I have more pressing things to do with my money - like pay off some bills. To which I had to laugh yesterday, because I got a letter in the mail from a credit card company saying “We want you back as our loyal customer!” I’m sorry - no. If I don’t have it in my bank account I don’t need it. If I could have just listened to my Father a long time ago I wouldn’t have this problem now! If I just buckle down and work a little harder, things will get better. I’m going to start looking for a second job - one to dedicate all of those funds to sending off to the bills. And then that way, if Sidney can’t work anymore soon, I’ll have money to pay the rent and utilities. Maybe I’ll be fortunate enough to find a decent paying job and be able to put some money aside too - and if I’m really lucky, maybe I’ll have a whole day off from both places.

And this Summer, I’m still hoping to get back to school. Even if I just do some basic college stuff, like get my General Education classes out of the way, something will finally hit me. I would still like to write. As a matter of fact I’m sort of working on a novel. I write a bit and then a few days (or even 2 weeks later) am going back and filling in stuff. I’ll just get tired of the story if I keep writing and I’ll never finish. Maybe at least one dream will come true for me! I can’t decide if I want this story to be romantic or just a good old fashioned story. Maybe along the lines of the great Danielle Steele. That’d be fantastic. Dogs, hot men and nature. What more could a girl ask for?

So, life has been not treating me the way I want it to lately and I keep thinking to myself “If I just look at it a little differently…” But sometimes, no matter how you tilt your head, clean your glasses or even stand taller, nothing changes. It’s still the same picture as before, only a little bit skewed. Things make me feel so down and depressed lately - like where is this road taking me? When one has no clue what they want to do for the rest of their life - and they are already a “grown-up” what does one do from here?

I tossed around the idea of going back to school for something in the medical field but realized that that’s just not my calling. What I really want to do is work with animals, but where’s the money in that? Simple answer? There is none. Unless I want to become a Vet, then there is really no money in it. So, Dad thinks I should become a Teacher, or something within the Government. That doesn’t appeal to me. I’m much more….creative. The idea of working a desk job really gets me in knots. I’m not happy where I’m at, at this position in life. But then who ever is? Who ever wakes up and sees their reflection and says “Self? You’re awesome.”

Everyone thinks they have flaws, that they fail at something. Sometimes I think I fail at life, you know? What am I doing? I’m just sitting here, gathering dust, like an old Cassette tape. Like I had so much potential and use back in “the day” but then I wasted it. I don’t want to be that person at 30 that has nothing - and that’s straight where I’m going if I keep this up. What really scares me is what if next week, Sidney can’t walk. How am I ever going to pay the bills by myself? To not have that house out in the country, with the white picket fence - is that a dream I want to give up? To be the one that works day in and day out to support him…is that who I want to be? He just doesn’t get it sometimes. He wants support from me, understanding. But it’s hard on me to not only watch him suffer, but wonder where the hell is my own future going? God, I’m only twenty-four. I’m living in an apartment with only a nickel to my name. Where will I be at 30?

Oh, and to top it all off - I’ve earned a new nickname. Crash. Dad backed into my car this morning. *sigh* It was only the mirror and it’s back on….but still. Where is my silver lining?