Life goes on…
The last month has gone by like a blur, like I’m just going through the motions. I just feel a part of me is missing, yet at the same time I’m just fine. Ever feel that way? It’s given me a lot of time to just think, about who I am, how I interact with people and how I just feel as a person. Some things I like, some things I don’t. I’m no longer consumed with wanting to ‘look good,’ I mean I am who I am and if that’s just not good enough for someone, then you’re not good enough for me. I don’t want to change who I am as a person just to suit someone else’s needs. Maybe thats being selfish, but I really don’t care anymore. I used to care about a lot of things, now I just simply don’t.
I always said I’d like to view things with the glass half empty because that way if something good happened, I would be grateful and happy and if it didn’t, I wouldn’t be disappointed. I don’t ever want to feel like someone owes me something. I want to always be humble and grateful for what I’m given. But lately I’ve been thinking that maybe you can still see the glass half full and still be grateful. But if the day ever comes that I can treat someone terribly and put them down with a laugh, then I know I’ve crossed the line. Other peoples opinions matter a lot to me, they shouldn’t but they do. I’m trying to work on this, but if this is the only vice I have, then I guess it’s not that bad.
What gets me, I mean, what really irks me are the memories of this girl talking to him like he was the dirt on her shoe, all the while having her boyfriend/husband on the side and he was just blind to it, and there I was treating him like he needed to be treated. Why, if you’re in a longterm relationship (with a child, no less!) do you need a male companion and that you do everything with? Why stay in the longterm relationship if you are just eager for the times your friend isn’t working so you can go over to his house and watch movies, or to the gym, or out to dinner. Sounds like dating to me.
I didn’t take anything for granted. I cared about him as a person and would have been there through thick and thin and the moment I needed him and I mean really needed him he wasn’t there for me and that’s just really terrible. I hear at work how he goes out with this girl to dinner, to the gym. No where does my boss mention her daughters boyfriend/husband, its like the man doesn’t exist. All she talks about is my ex and her daughter. It’s just like it was before he and I started dating. That’s really sad. But nothing makes me sadder than the memories of her demanding him to get her a drink but “not the orange Gatorade, the blue one,” or throwing a box of Triscuits at him because they weren’t the right ones, or when we all went out to dinner and she told him to stop behaving like a child and she couldn’t “take [him] anywhere.” Why treat another person so terribly and why let her do that? Why was she always so damned special?
Most of all, why would you date someone for almost 10 months, look them in the eye and tell them you love them, take them on romantic weekend vacations, take them to meet your extended family, make them a collage for their birthday of photos of the two of you together with all the places you went – and then have the nerve to say “I was never in love with you.” For all the things we did, all the moments we shared, it was all a lie. What I can’t get over is why I couldn’t see it. How did I let myself open up to one person and trust them so intensely and then not see that I was being used? That’s what makes me sick, the reasons I still can’t sleep. For all those months, everything was a lie, an act. I treated him with kindness and respect and loved him for all of his idiosyncracies, for the way he looked, for the way he walked, talked, his ideas and everything else and I was just there to make himself feel better about himself, a stepping stone if you will.
Then, for all the things that have been said about me by my boss, my coworkers and him? It’s just so terrible that you could put someone down that you don’t even know the whole story about. They don’t know what we did, how we behaved in the quiet. They don’t know how I am outside of work, what we talked about. To purposefully set out to destroy an innocent person is just terrible; and to have him still talk to these people knowing full well what they are saying and doing really pisses me off. It really shows what kind of person he is and frankly I am appalled.
I would have rather spent two more years with my ex-fiance than with this man. Everything that happened with my ex-fiance made me appreciative of all the things I had. The nights where I’d ask how was work and was met with a shrug. So, this time around I was trying to be more open to communication. All the nights where we would watch a foreign show and I’d be angry about it, I let B pick out his shows and watched them with an open mind. All those nights where the ex-fiance ate squid and stuff I wouldn’t ever touch, I made a point to try new things with B.
Things I’ve learned from B? Don’t trust anyone, because someone will always screw you over if it means they go farther by doing it. If after three months in a relationship, friends still come first, it’s over. If we don’t have an argument, somethings wrong, someone is withholding something somewhere. Nothing is that perfect. It’s sad that those are the only things I’ve learned from this relationship. But I’ve learned a lot about myself as a person, and maybe that was the point of it all.
My name is Jamie and I'm a twenty-something who resides in Florida. These are the ramblings of my life.
